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Updated Glossary of Woke Terms
(the new Doublespeak)
In preparation for this article I researched several actual glossaries of woke terms. My surprise wasn’t that I found so many to research, rather that the zeal of their collective efforts to fold, bend, staple and mutilate the language of common discourse has remained so resolute despite so much ridicule and parody over the past several years. When SNL, the very embodiment of woke culture, parodies woke culture, it may be time to bid adieu. Still, wokeness refuses to grow old (unlike the rest of us), and therefore requires constant renewal and maintenance (just like the rest of us).*
Admittedly, my modest contribution to the destruction of the language for transparently political reasons is late to the game, although the list below strays somewhat from the traditional glossary format: rather than simply reiterate the intended woke definition of each term or phrase, I define it by its actual Doublespeak counterpart. Please feel free to comment below on my attempts, or add your own…
Academia: the Wuhan Lab of lethal ideas.
Adulting: washing your dirty clothes instead of just ordering new clothes on Amazon like everyone else.
Affirmative Action: systemic racism for profit.
Allyship: the more leisurely alternative to the Allyplane.
Anti-racism: systemic racism for profit.
Bae: just one letter shy of a real babe.
BIPOC: gay or lesbian POC.
Birthing person: how mostly over-educated, white (il)liberal women allow a few men to objectify all women.
Black Lives Matter: the insistence that black lives matter despite all proof to the contrary.
Cancel culture: what the Left claims doesn’t exist until it happens to them.
Call-out culture: when your friends stand outside your window after school and scream for you to come out and play, then call you a wuss when your mom won’t let you.
Cis-normative: mangled attempt to simplify not-LGBTTQQIAAP.
Consensual non-monogamy: just wait till your wife finds out!
Critical Race Theory: systemic racism for profit.
Cultural appropriation: unauthorized flattery.
Democracy: what the ruling elite must first destroy in order to save.
DIE: the imperative delivered by the Diversity, Inclusion and Equity industry to the Bill of Rights.
Diversity: where everyone looks different but thinks the same.
Entitlements: table scraps left over after the ruling elite gorge themselves.
Femtech: niche products relentlessly marketed to more than 50% percent of the population.
Follow the science: a religious call to action invoked when actual science refuses to cooperate.
Free speech: only if you agree with me.
Gender affirming care: kinder, gentler castration.
Gender fluid: what your gender studies professor spits up when she chokes on her own pronouns.
Great Reset: the class war that starts the moment you press Hillary Clinton’s big red RESET button.
Green New Deal: what results when you combine the Yellow and Blue New Deals.
Hate Speech: free speech.
when applied to race: genetic determinism.
when applied to gender: genetic indeterminism.
Implicit bias: bias no one knows they have until a racist is paid to tell them they have it.
Inclusive: all expenses paid (sorry, couldn’t resist the temptation).
Information: the weapon most preferred and deployed by the ruling elite in the class war against middle class and poor people worldwide; more specifically…
(Dis)information: what the ruling elite don’t want you to know.
(Mis)information: what the ruling elite want you to know.
(Mal)information: incontestable truth that the ruling elite won’t let get in the way.
Intersectionality: where everyone comes together — whether they like it or not —but no one wants to live.
Journalist: the spy who came in from the cold.
Justice: a common good that requires a modifier to convert it into a common evil. For instance…
Green justice: class warfare posing as mob justice reimagined.
Racial justice: class warfare posing as mob justice reimagined.
Social justice: class warfare posing as mob justice reimagined.
Trans-justice: class warfare posing as mob justice reimagined.
LatinX: how no Hispanic person wants to be described.
LGBTQ-inclusive: a modifier invoked only when you need to exclude everything else.
LGBTTQQIAAP+: mangled attempt to define non-cis-normative.
Marginalization: when margin notes become the main story.
Micro-aggression: too small to see but powerful enough to tyrannize all of academia, most Fortune 100 corporations and the entire Democratic Party.
Minor-attracted person: pedophile.
Misgender: who sits next to Mr. Gender?
Mostly peaceful: exceedingly violent.
Non-binary: everything else.
Pansexual: someone with the hindquarters, legs, and horns of a goat — and an Ivy League diploma.
Period Dignity Officer: making a bloody mess out of everything.
Pronoun: a formerly amateur noun.
Recession: a dent on the rear bumper of an EV.
Reimagine: what ideologues do when they want to destroy something.
Religion: politicized science.
Safe space: where the elite children of elite parents go to avoid free speech for only $80,000 a year.
Science: politicized religion.
Systemic racism: the DNA of the Democratic Party.
Transformative: massive systemic modification designed to satisfy only the smallest statistical constituency.
Transitioning: what happens to liberals after they are mugged.
Transgender: the best reason to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Transphobia: fear of the trans mob.
Trigger warning: what mostly peaceful protesters issue right before they pull the trigger.
Two-spirit: one spirit plus one spirit.
Virtue signal: making a left turn into heavy traffic sound like a good idea.
White fragility: systemic racism for profit.
White privilege: character flaw that infects mostly over-educated, elite white (il)liberals when they try to convert non-racist working class whites into racist working class whites.
White rage: what elite white (il)liberals and five-star generals are full of when they describe working class whites.
White supremacy: what remains when the last black man has no rhythm and can’t jump.
Wokeness: the missionary religion of classism preached by mostly white, mostly affluent, mostly self-loathing (il)liberal secularists.
* The above terms and phrases are subject to change by tomorrow morning.